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Random Thought #1

I caught four minutes of American Idol a few weeks ago. That was enough. I actually don't mind the show as the season goes on, as it turns into a celebration (albeit contrived) of beautiful people (typically) singing beautifully. But the first few episodes, I hate. I really can't stand watching the contestants get rejected, even the ones who had absolutely no shot.

Are some of the individuals going on there to be purposefully bad in order to gain some attention? No doubt. But just like Samuel L. Jackson's theory that because there are disabled people there must be superheroes (anytime Jackson is in a movie, I assume all aspects of his character and the central plot were derived from him), there is a perfect reflection on the other side - hence many of those awful contestants actually think they have a chance.

On most reality shows, this isn't an issue for me. I don't watch them, but it also doesn't bother me when Starlotta gets booted off Rock of Love on the first episode, thus negating her opportunity to be mouth-raped by a tranny who used to be in Poison (and not C.C. Deville - it would be tragic to miss out on that). What bothers me is that, in our collective subconscious, American Idol has morphed into an actual competition. The results of the show have bearing in the real world, not just the world of television or in the mind of a vapid, bloody-nosed sorority girl.

Win any other reality competition and you have the chance to be famous for six weeks or infamous for 12, depending upon how you went about your post-series fraternizing. But if you win American Idol, you actually have a legitimate chance of becoming really, really fucking famous (and rich). It's no guarantee, but I'd like my odds better as winner of that show than as a delightful, singing bar back in Pawtucket.

And that's why it bothers me. When you see someone crying into the arms of their mother after Simon charmingly insults everything about him/her, there's a 50/50 shot that you're witnessing someone's dream dying. And who wants to watch that? I mean, at this rate, you'd think that someday they'll run videos on television of people actually dying. Oh, wait, what's that? Stations all over the country have been showing a clip of a guy getting run over by a monster truck? Once again, I've fallen behind the zeitgeist.

"Oh Oh Oh"

This one hits a little too close to home. Way back in 2007, after visiting a Sharper Image and realizing the company's business plan was totally based on finding objects to "put ipods into," I tried to think of the most ridiculous items that could fall into this category. I wasn't too far along before I felt I struck gold - the iBrator.

The idea was a simple one: take a traditional women's (or men's, I don't hate) sex toy (color and size are your preference, ladies, although I still wish some of you were more open to "smallish and pale") and sync it up with your mp3 player.

The best part was, rather than just being "something" with an ipod in it, this would actually relate to the music. Slow it down with a little Al Green, increase the tempo with some Bell Biv Devoe, and then maybe finish it up with something that you would potentially drink sizzurp and grind on a random dude to. I'm thinking a bit of Lil Jon. Or if you want to rock your pace up, might I recommend some Heart, because let's face it, the iBrator is for cougars first, everyone else second.

So imagine my dismay that night when I discovered the OhMiBod, which is pretty much exactly the thing I thought of. And what should I find when I search for "Oh Oh Oh" but the OMB website. It's an old wound, but seeing it flooded my brain with thoughts of what might have been. Someday I will find something of my own to put an ipod into. Someday.

Maybe a Keurig machine? The music could cover that annoying noise it makes. Could different songs match different flavor cups? See, the wheels are always spinning.

"Puppy Prowess"

This led to arguably the most adorable set of pictures in the history of random Googling. And a story that I remember from when it happened, whenever that was.

Uno, a 15-inch-long beagle, proved his puppy prowess by taking home the top honors at the Westminster Kennel Club dog show last night. Despite the breed's overwhelming popularity, this is the first time a beagle has taken the competition. "With fans calling out his name and clapping, he soaked in the cheers as he walked around the ring.

Clearly, the writer feels that “puppy prowess” is essentially Uno’s “it” factor. It’s how he overcame the crushing historical weight of a beagle never having won the Big Show before. And it had to be more dramatic than the Super Bowl where Tony Dungy became the first African-American coach to win, because on the other side was Lovie Smith, another African-American, so we knew change was in the air.

To me, though, “puppy prowess” sounds like an attribute that you carry in an RPG. “I just got a +2 Puppy Prowess card! Now I will be incrementally more successful in battles that necessitate cuteness and/or doleful eyes!”

Photo from the Baltimore Sun

"Carpenter Jeans"

This stems from the fact that I think it's funny to sing along with Beyonce's "Single Ladies" while changing the phrase "Dereon jeans" (of which I know little, and don't care) to "carpenter jeans" (of which I know little, but am eager to learn more). Disregarding the question of why I am singing along with this tune in the first place (although Girl Talk said it was the best song of 2008), I did a little digging. From here on out in this blog, "digging" refers to performing a Google search on the word and not bothering to look past page 1. Here's what I found:

Fashionistas may discourage the wearing of carpenter jeans, but if you're leaning toward them, don't be swayed. They just want to squeeze you into some narrow pants and a dry-clean-only cashmere sweater. The fact is, carpenter jeans aren't just for carpenters. They aren't even just for teenagers or hip-hop afficianados. They aren't even just for men.

So what does a carpenter jean offer? First and foremost, a loose, comfortable fit. This can be key, whether you're overweight or just always on the run. Also, the wide leg can easily accomodate boots, if that's your chosen style of footwear.

Here that, Beyonce? Carpenter jeans aren't just for carpenters, who are apparently a very open and welcoming community. They don't know you, they may never meet you, but they love you. In fact, they would probably even share a kind whistle if you were to pass them on the street. Somehow, though, I don't think you and your other Dereons would be so accepting. So me and all of my overweight, teenage, hip-hop afficianado, boot-wearing friends have found our home. And we can carry hammers.